About last night's dream.
I dreamt that I confessed to my boss that I can't do much more right now. I am burned out. Our efforts to contain that have failed. Maybe it's a me issue.
His response was quite unlike him: "Well then I should be way more burned out! Look at me."
They've generally been supportive, in reality. The dream was a surprise to me. I don't think they realise that I am still dealing with this.
It could be so many reasons why I feel this way.
- A lack of interest in the industry.
- Being pushed hard time and again, even when it turns out it only carried a false sense of urgency - there wasn't one in actuality.
- A natural inclination to worry too much. Stress too much.
- Taking ownership of things. Ergo, stress and worry about deadlines.
- Doing unpaid labour around managing projects (of course it falls on a woman to do this, I don't want to be a taskmaster).
- Sitting in front of this screen so long every day.
- Not feeling passionate about coding any more.
- Technical debt that we're not allowed to fix because it doesn't bring profit.
Gosh.
What would a change in job accomplish? Nothing. A change in career? I won't be able to support myself any more.
I need to save money. A lot. Maybe I could move back home for a bit after my current lease ends (which is what, another 10 months?). That gets me more out of whatever I got.
I don't think I can be too honest at a workplace. I need a plan. No wait, I have a plan, already. I've had it for a few months now. Which is to work a lot, save a lot, and quit. Quit for 6 months. Maybe a year. Make my savings go the distance by moving home.
It's a cycle. I work myself into the ground over a few years, then need to leave and be by myself for 6–12 months. Some say this is not just burnout due to work - but autistic burnout. That covers everything that I do over a few years that causes burnout. Some say I falsely only attribute it to work. It's more than that. I think there is some truth in this theory.
Yikes.